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I hate being a negative nancy. Yet I constantly find myself trying out for the role. It fits me. When things go wrong, I feel like the whole world is collapsing in on itself. But then again, when things are good, I feel as though the world has gathered together and has blown a puff of air sending me right into space.
I've moved to San Francisco. Kind of. Staying with the boyfriend till I find a place. But, it seems as though whatever I do, it's wrong. I feel like I'm stuck. But you know what, whatever issues we have I guess are for us.
So, personally, for me...well, I guess that's the definition of personally isn't it? I feel...very very sad. I've been here one week, and I haven't had one full good day. I don't need it to be perfect, I don't need an angel to get it's wings over my day, just...one nice day. I worried so much about moving here, but in the back of my mind, i knew that's just how I react: I freak out and freak out, and I get there and freak out for about, 4 hours, and then, everything is fine. I settle in, and everything is better than it had seemed the day before. Not so here. I want to find my own place because living together seems to have put a huge strain on our relationship, but that apparently comes across as, well, I don't know. I just don't know. I really really want to make it in San Fran...But, the forecast isn't looking too hot for that. So, now I think I have to move back home and figure something else out. So much effort. What a failure. I couldn't even make it one week. I'm just kind of miserable right now.Present Sound: Coeur de Pirate: Comme des enfants |
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Dec. 9th, 2009 @ 08:24 pm
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I feel really anxious and on edge...I feel like I'm going to freak out at any moment...How do I stop this? |
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While we were walking together on the beach
Your button got caught on my heart
And we both yanked in opposite directions to untangle the damage
But it ended up leaving a rip in the threading
So, I plucked it off my sleeve and stored it in my pocket until I got home
Now there’s a shadow where it used to sit on my sleeve, waiting to be filled again
But the walk home is long, I hope the shadow doesn’t fade before I get there
But maybe I shouldn’t be constantly looking towards my sleeve for answers
Maybe it’s time for me to sew my own heart
Put a little spice and everything nice
And nothing of you
It won't be all buttons and bows
Maybe its time for something new to adorn my closet
Put something new on, for me
I have the time, I have the thread
I’m not going to run through the aisles frantically looking for something my size
I’ll browse and see if there’s anything I like
So this time, I’m not going to wait for that shadow
Before I try to shed my clothes
Things don’t have to need mending in order to change for the better |
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Small, crafty, cowering, timorous little beast,
O, what a panic is in your little breast!
You need not start away so hasty
With hurrying scamper!
I would be loath to run and chase you,
With murdering plough-staff. I'm truly sorry man's dominion
Has broken Nature's social union,
And justifies that ill opinion
Which makes thee startle
At me, thy poor, earth born companion
And fellow mortal! I doubt not, sometimes, but you may steal;
What then? Poor little beast, you must live!
An odd ear in twenty-four sheaves
Is a small request;
I will get a blessing with what is left,
And never miss it. Your small house, too, in ruin!
Its feeble walls the winds are scattering!
And nothing now, to build a new one,
Of coarse grass green!
And bleak December's winds coming,
Both bitter and keen! You saw the fields laid bare and wasted,
And weary winter coming fast,
And cozy here, beneath the blast,
You thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel plough past
Out through your cell. That small bit heap of leaves and stubble,
Has cost you many a weary nibble!
Now you are turned out, for all your trouble,
Without house or holding,
To endure the winter's sleety dribble,
And hoar-frost cold. But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy! Still you are blest, compared with me!
The present only touches you:
But oh! I backward cast my eye,
On prospects dreary!
And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear! |
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Nov. 9th, 2009 @ 09:27 pm
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"sometimes when it's over, it's just over" Why is that so revolutionary? I mean, it is. There's something within us that allows us to believe that we should be able to change the world in forceful powerful waves, without changing ourselves. And when things aren't going wrong, we don't seem to have that desire to change anything that's in the back of our mind. |
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I rely on people too much. I have this misconception that the way they act towards me would be the way i would respond to them, and that's completely irrelevant. You never get what you give. ever. ever ever ever. And it's dumb to think that you will. It's dumb to think that everyone else thinks like you, acts like you, understands you. I'm tired. I think I finally learned life's number one lesson that you hear from those people who seem slightly isolated emotionally from the rest of the world: don't count on anyone else but yourself. It's not fair to everyone else for you to think that they are going to be there, 24/7 whenever you need them. I've lost my faith in love. Not so much that it doesn't exist, i know for a fact it does. But more that it's not enough. It's never enough. Nothing can survive just on love. You can never be satisfied just with love. All those romantic comedies? Bullshit. They'd never last. I'm tired of the way things are and the way I think they should be. Expectations just mess with your mind, you loose a realistic sense of the world. I want to wallow. I want to bury myself into a cave and hibernate. I feel so terrible right now, but that's no one's burden but mine. I feel so alone right now, and i need to bask in it. Understand that this is going to be a feeling that will accompany across the rest of my life regardless of everything else because sometimes our minds divide us from the rest of the population in self-preservation. It's okay to feel this once in a while, and hopefully, after a while, it won't be as strong a feeling. You'll learn to recognize and know that it will pass. I am myself and that is all I am. No one else. Love gets you nowhere. You get yourself everywhere. Give it up. How many people do you know are happy and in love and married? So why do I think that I would achieve that? The world is not built for you. It was here long before you were and there's nothing you can do to move it. So appreciate it for what it is, and leave the rest up to yourself. There's no such thing as a free lunch.
I will try to love me for myself. Because, then I will understand that I make mistakes, that I'm sometimes irrational and dramatic, that I can succeed and that I'll push myself further. I can be all that I can be.
Oct. 12th, 2009 @ 01:17 am
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I'm trying to adjust not only to my environment, but adjust my environment to me. I used to feel so stable in the future; things would just work out because I had my friends, my boyfriend, my skills, and my intelligence. And while this is still the case, sans boyfriend, I feel out of whack. I've been off. I've been freaking out about four months from now. Should I be? Maybe. Most everyone I know is still living in Huntington Beach so it seems and feels harder to move away. My mom told me yesterday that there's a possibility that they'd move to San Diego to be closer to my grandparents...That feels weird. The fact that when I do come home, it wouldn't be my home at all. I always have this fear that if I do too much, or if I focus too much on myself, I'll lose sense of everything else around me. I put such a strong emphasis on the importance of my surroundings. I realize how important friends and family are. I need to be able to just say, this is my decision, and that's what I'm going to do. I've been to two job fairs now, and they've both been dismal at best. It seems even harder to think of moving when you're unsure of whether or not you'd have a job to support you in this new lifestyle.
I've been trying to adjust to something new. I don't know what to expect from it and, it's weird to think that it will be different, no matter what. Is that something I want? Something different? Am I able to adjust to that? Will it be able to adjust to me? Maybe what I thought I wanted isn't what I really want. I need to make a list.
I'm back in band now. It feels really odd...it's just like high school, except worse because everyone thinks that now that they're in college..they automatically know more and are better at their instrument. We're playing high school level music. It's slightly sad. I played much harder stuff in OCYSO but I guess this is a good wake up call as far as my ability as of right now...which is low high school.
The prospect of moving really scares me. I'm trying to look at it logically which is the fact that I don't want to live the rest of my life in southern california. I don't know who will move with me though. scarrrry.
Oct. 7th, 2009 @ 12:18 am
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3 more months. 3 more months. 3 more months. 3 more months. And then? I'm ready to move. I'm ready to get out. I'm thinking of moving to San Francisco or to Portland....Do i take more classes? How do i get a job? Where am i going to get a job? Where am I going to live? Will someone move with me? Will I be lonely? Will it be a mistake? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sep. 23rd, 2009 @ 10:43 am
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I feel very much alone. I feel isolated from the world, from myself. You'd think, that as an only child I'd be able to deal with being by myself and entertaining myself to no end but it seems to have had the opposite effect. I'm scared that I hold onto people for the sole reason of a fear of being alone. I enjoy the people around me. But with Chris, I held on too long thinking that it was just a phase or that no one would ever understand me in the same manner he did. But, is that him or just the fact that we had been together for so long and had known each other for 4 years? My logic is constantly overridden with this constant anxiety of the present and the future while the past holds me back.What the fuck am I doing? How do i get out of this spot? I can't just live in the moment. I can't appreciate things for what they are at exactly the time I experience them. I want more. I expect more. Low Standards and High Expectations. IT hasn't worked for me yet but I still seem to practice it. I can't just feel gratitude for something i lost because I had the opportunity to experience it and therefore should count my blessings. If something is good, I want it and I want to experience it until it has no more to give me, not until I loose it. That just seems so careless, sounds so careless.
Sep. 20th, 2009 @ 02:55 pm
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| » I would like one of these... |
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...for the next available holiday. It's a perfect time to give a friend (ME) a present to show how much they mean to you.
http://www.dashndem.com/dr_whippy.html
Sep. 15th, 2009 @ 06:01 pm
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I've been beating myself over the head with my heart. I've spent hours contemplating, angry, hurt, sad, lonely, wistful, thinking about how could this have happened? How could I have let this happen and let it have gone for so long when I knew I wasn't happy for a while, I just wouldn't admit it? And I'm so angry at myself for wasting my time. Now, I just have to realize that spending all this time upset about how I wasted my time, is a waste of time. Being angry or self-righteous isn't making it better. Being sad doesn't make him come back to me and say, I was wrong. I was so wrong. And it definitely wouldn't change our relationship. People told him, "Don't let her get away". And, I don't know, I guess that's what happened. Not to say this was all his fault. It wasn't. And the honest truth is, we just want different things. Which, to me, feels like a cop out, like of all the things? But thats it. In a tidy neat nutshell with a ribbon wrapped around it. Wanting things to change, doesn't make them change. Spending time pondering about this, doesnt make it better or make things happen. And if we were to get back together, things wouldn't be better. That blows. You always tell yourself, well, if we give this a second chance this will be different. I know it wouldn't.
I miss his family more than anything right now. It was honestly like a second home.
Sep. 11th, 2009 @ 11:31 pm
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Why am i digging myself so deeply into this? I'm applying myself with the full prospect that this will end perfectly well; happily ever after well. I'm letting myself fall without thinking of the consequences. And when I think of the consequences, I think so far into the future that it no longer becomes valid.
Aug. 28th, 2009 @ 01:38 am
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I remember the painful stuff. What was i doing? what was i even thinking? This boy broke my heart over and over again, and I didn't just stand by, I threw it back on the block and held his hand to the knife. Why had I let myself be so unhappy? Was I unhappy? It's like you're watching a movie reel with certain parts misplaced and cut out. I can see these moments flashing in and out. And i know, that i was fine with everything. I feel so jilted. Where was my fair share? Maybe I had it and i didn't appreciate it, maybe I never got it. But there's nothing i can do to change it, and it makes me so angry. I think my problem was that I thought he was perfect. I trusted him to do what was best for me....That was a mistake. "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!!!", I want to yell at him. "I DID SO MUCH...". I hear his voice in the phone, in my heart, in my mind "i'm sorry". It's almost as if apologizing is your concession that you could've done better. Did you try your best? You say that you tried and it didn't work. Did you try your best? Maybe it just wasn't worth it. You say I let myself loose it's essence and accomodate you and that i let you take advantage of our relationship. He said I seduced him, and that he was just a mere man, how could he resist? it hurts.
EDIT: I just read quite of few of my old entries from when we were together...If i was in a happy relationship I shouldn't have been so unhappy about it. All the warning signs were there. Why didnt I see them?
Aug. 17th, 2009 @ 12:32 am
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| » Dear Adrian, |
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I know you're reading this right now because you feel like your whole world has fallen apart. And in a way, it has. You made him the center of your world for two years and so it's hard to establish for yourself the idea that the earth is still rotating around the sun. I want you to know, that it's going to be okay. I know that for a fact. You weren't happy and you were taken for granted and were with someone not ready to commit to what you were. Someone who wasn't willing to move or budge because he just can't. I know right now, it feels like you made a mistake. That you messed up. That you should chase after him like you always do. But you can't and you won't because you know in your heart that it's not what you want or whats right for you. He's not a part of your life anymore, so don't let him cause you any more pain. Yes you miss him. It's hard not to miss someone you're used to waking up next to. But it wasn't right. It wasn't the right time or place for the two of you. There is a possibility that you can get back together in the future, nothing isn't even completely unchangeable, but for right now, you're going to be alone, and it's okay. Because you know it won't always be this way, and that you have friends that care about you and you have people near you. So one person less doesn't throw everything out of balance. You want to sit in the corner and melt into the ground at the thought of him not being there, but you haven't melted before, and you're not going to melt now. You will get over it, this wont hurt forever. So embrace it, love yourself, and know that you'll be okay. You've been doing fine so far, you can do it today. Breathe.
love, Adrian
Aug. 13th, 2009 @ 02:41 pm
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"This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"
someone hold me. Someone take my heart from me and vacuum seal it in the freezer for later use. I'm caught in the bend dragging my feet and throwing my hands forward. Find me sanity find me calm find me what i need in order to pass the test. Close my eyes and open my heart. Free my mind and cage my mouth. I see my imperfections as defects and failures. Tell me how to find the right one. "Smell it for its sweetness, tap it to see how much sweet water is in it, see if it has a worn mark on the bottom to see if it was vine ripened, and make sure it doesnt have bruises". It's too bad rules on finding a watermelon aren't universally applicable.
Aug. 11th, 2009 @ 11:56 pm
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Let's talk about long distance relationships. Previously, when I heard of people being in long distance relationships, the first and only reaction that I could summon was, why? How can you know someone so far away? I hardly know the people around me so to try to build a fulfilling and loving relationship with someone thousands of miles away seems futile. I realize now, that it's much easier to think with your head than feel with your heart when you have no context and no relation to the situation. It's easy to say, well you should just break it off or you should just quit, do what makes you happy. We tie ourselves up into a long series of complex knots and twists that hitches us to each other, our jobs, our environments, ourselves to a point that it seems utterly impossible to ever even try to untie ourselves. And thats how we think of it; we have to undo knot by knot, twist by twist out of our situation in order to create a more passive relationship with our "thing". When honestly, the easiest thing would be to take that giant machete of reason and hack that damn knot to itty bitty little pieces.
And this is now how i feel about our intimate relationships with each other. If you're not sure whether or not you'll be tying more knots or just pulling yourself closer, it would be easier to just cut it off at the life line and be done with it. Logically, it makes sense. It protects yourself from that person and that relationship and you walk away. Logically. But now that I'm older and now that i'm starting to see relationships and my own up close and personal, it just doesn't seem like a reasonable way to go about it. Out of the hundreds of people i've met, and the 337 friends on facebook, I've found one person that makes me happier than anything. And one person to potentially rip my heart out of my body and mind and throw it in a blender with little razor blades and piranhas . And the thought of just letting him go because we'd have to be apart for almost a year isn't nearly as much as a possibility to me as it would've been 6 years ago.
No, long distance relationships don't always work. There's so many tests in a relationship and this is just one more very strong supertest. I think that if you're able to combat it and overcome it you will come to appreciate what you have in that person tenfold than before. This isn't to say that you should jump into one right away. Not from experience, it seems extremely difficult. Meeting someone without meeting them doesn't seem like meeting them at all. But sometimes you just know; sometimes you just have this gut feeling that you won't be able to do anything but fall in love with them. It won't always work out but I think it's more based on the person that the title of "long distance"
Jul. 9th, 2009 @ 05:52 pm
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I created a new icon! but...I dont know how to use it without making it my default. HELP!
Jun. 27th, 2009 @ 09:41 pm
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I think marriage is like the Garden of Eden. You want it so desperately because it will give you every comfort you could ever want. It's the paradise of relationships because it's just you and Eden. And for some, it's easy to stay. Why change something that doesn't need changing? You work for your food, you work for whatever higher power you answer to and beyond that, there's not much else thats necessary. But, there's that goddamn tree that so many of us can't seem to resist out of curiosity or desire of power.
Jun. 21st, 2009 @ 12:38 am
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